I’ve become remarkably busy this week
No official job
and no word from Kiz (extremely doubtful at this point :( )
but I have 4 commissions to finish
and a big project that I’m working on for a thingy that I might be able to speak on when it’s a little more official.
It’s nice to get paid to do art
or to not get paid but have my work recognized
but I would very much like a job because I can spend the money I draw
I just need Kiz to email back
I just want to feel like I’m not always wasting my time
I just want to work
I just want to draw and write
I support marriage equality because it’s 2013. Also, the Earth is 4.57 billion years old, evolution is real and rap is a legit genre of music.
Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday.
That feels weird saying.
Not that I didn’t think I would make it to 23 but I’m pretty amazed everytime my birthday rolls around because I think aging is interesting.
I haven’t changed too much in my life. I’ve matured for sure but I’ve found comfort in maintaining child like aspects of my life.
I enjoy indulging in many things that shaped the way I grew up and I enjoy letting people know I still love them.
I still feel like a kid at heart
Like I’ll always be that way.
Just pretty mature.
23 is my second favorite number (I have more than one favorite number) so I feel like 23 is going to be a good age. 13 is my favorite number and given that I’ll be 23 on 2/13/2013 I feel like something great has to happen to me.
But I’m not one to believe in stuff like that.
I just hope.
I hope that this will be a good year. It’s already started off kind of rad with the symposium thing.
I can only hope it gets better.
Now, if you will excuse me, I’m going to ring in my birthday with Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, homemade chocolate covered peanut clusters and a cup of milk.
Like I said. Kid at heart
All I want to do is write comedy, voice act, draw cool shit and get paid for it. Is that too much to ask?
I’m contemplating getting my masters in dramatic writing
But I’m not so sure I want to go back to school right now.
I think I just miss the environment. School is school but it is college.
but I still partially live in that environment. A lot of people I’m friends with are still around and I still go to my favorite places.
I think I’m just afraid that I’m not good enough to screen write unless I’m forced to do certain assignments and get graded on my work by professors and industry professionals.
But honestly if I just keep at it, and get good feedback along the way from people that I admire and trust.
I’ll be okay.
Speaking of this event taking place. 2 other coincidental things have happened this week.
Normally I’d shrug it off, but its so Eerie Indiana I gotta address it.
So, the other day I’m in Hot Topic getting a Heisenberg shirt and there is a guy in there talking to the cashier about Breaking Bad. I don’t know the guy but I know of him. I’ve seen him around campus and whatnot. Running into him wasn’t the quite coincidence.
I go to class Monday and I wear my shirt and as soon as I get off the bus 100 yards away we eye each other and he’s wearing the shirt. It was crazy because it’s the Summer quarter so their aren’t as many students here. The odds of running into him after seeing in Hot Topic, him having the same shirt and wearing it on the same day as me is some kind of math.
And then on another day I chose to wear my SCAD longboarding shirt for the first time in public ever. And Juliet and I go to the mall and we run into a guy from the Longboarding club and he comments on how I haven’t skated with them in a while.
Lastly, the AMC thing. Juliet and I were at a Laundromat Tuesday and when we got there the lady told us we could watch TV. So we go over and it’s on AMC. They show a Breaking Bad spot and I remember it starts back this week. After that point I said “We’re getting cable”. We were waiting to see if it was a wise financial choice right now. And obviously I explained what happened in the last post but yeah.
It’s just kind of crazy how this has been happening this week like that. I don’t have too many coincidental moments like these, not in the same week
Favourite Interview Question.
I’ve seen A LOT of interviews, and a lot of questions fail to impress me.
But, I came across an extract of one interview with Dash Snow, in a song by Kendrick Lamar titled “The Heart Part 2”.
Dash Snow says “I’ll tell you what I don’t believe in, can I do that?”, and then when he answers his own question, the interviewer asks him “So what keeps you alive?”.
Do you realise how amazing that question is?
It’s so simple, yet so complex.
Watch the interview here:
The Kids Are Meh
At even given moment a thousand thoughts will be running through my head.
I never knew how to stop them. I never could.
I just wrote and I drew
I don’t draw so much now when something is on my mind
or write for that matter
I went to counselling
I took medicine
but now that’s over
I just think now
I just veer off from whatever is actually happening and I get lost for a moment or two
whether it’s a relevant thought or not
I’m just gone
I’m doing much better than before.
Streets ahead of last year.
I was able to rebuild myself back into the person I thought was gone forever.
But I was never really gone. I was just really depressed. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to talk to anyone but I didn’t want to be alone. I felt like the only people or person I needed were unavailable to me.
It was torture
and more thoughts swirled around in my head then more than anytime in recent memory.
I often look back at that time and it’s hard for me to even consider that I was that person.
But it happened.
How you can go from completely happy one moment, to the next moment, doubting ever actually being happy.
From being in love to falling out of it
To hating someone to forgetting why you were ever mad at them.
I think the oddest part of looking back at that time and at my thoughts is how angry and lost I was
Angry at everyone.
Lost from everything
I was trapped in my thoughts and I couldn’t stop thinking. They were never good thoughts but no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t stop them.
I lost a lot then
I gained the majority of it back I believe.
and so do thoughts
but thinking back now
I guess that time was beneficial.
it gave me the push that, whether I wanted it or not
I needed to grow up
I needed to learn that I was young
and I’m still young
and I will be young for a long time.
But I didn’t think that back then.
I thought that everyone was poison and nobody cared and everyone was selfish
and I still partially believe that was true because of how I was treated
but it was never really like me to blame the world for my troubles
I either had to get with the direction everyone was going in
or get left behind
so I did
I experimented, lightly
I made mistakes
It wasn’t me
it was forced
I was trying to fill a void the best way I knew how.
I had become the type of person I popped peoples hands for being
I was hurt
But I’m better now
I often look back on that time though.
I wonder where that person is now
I know he’s not far away…
but I’m glad he’s gone.
I’m also glad that the Dexter that wrote every single feeling done for public consumption is gone as well. Because as refreshing as it was to write notes on Facebook and spam my dash on Tumblr I sat at my computer spouting out depressed diatribes that looking back on now are completely pitiful and sickening.
They weren’t all bad though. And they weren’t all depressing. They were about love and friendships
the things I care about most
they were my thoughts
and I’m glad I had an outlet to get them out in
because keeping them locked inside was the worst thing I could have ever done to myself.
I’m most proud of myself because I never gave up.
Though I wanted to so so bad.
It did get better.
It took a long time, but it did.
So don’t ever let your thoughts get the best of you.
Remember a time when you were happy
Get back there but don’t move backwards
think good thoughts
and if you can’t
look forward to the day that you will again.